I showed him my bush... on skype.
I walked into cold stone and the guy started preparing a supersized birthday cake remix for "Mrs. Munchies"
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
I vaguely remember you trying to make me a casserole with marshmallows and a can of beer.
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
Next time I feel awkward in a situation I'm going to just yell "free bird!!!!" Like some redneck at lynyrd skynyrd show
The resort was totally empty, just June and I. Which of course lead to EXCESSIVE day drinking and outdoor fucking. FYI Dominicans LOVE to watch.
Maybe he injected his testicle?
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
Uh do you have my pants because I have yours
Ah, but I don't wear underwear. Every day is Commando Wednesday.
I've seen too many dicks in the past week. I can't do it anymore.
I don't care how hot he is. I will not strip for him to country music.
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
On the brightside we know now that empty pringle cans are accepted at mcdonalds as cups.... Screw people who judged us, we saved a buck
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