So for his birthday I'm planning on doing what stripper did when she put the matches on her nipples..lights them n makes him blow them out..SEE I AM dating material.
Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
no its okay don't call 911, she's alive. just stopped by her house and banged on her door. she said she turned her phone off because she "had to be alone with her shame and embarassment". typical.
he clicked a button a stirrups came down from the ceiling... if I don't come home by sunday, report me.
Just saw a teacher from our school with his wife... Now i really know how little teachers get paid.
just found a someones bra in what seems to be a mix of pickle juice and vodka in my fridge. Who was over here lately?
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
Fighting the urge to throw up all over my little brothers jr high basketball bench. Welcome home aaron
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
You what they say. One dick in the hand is better than two in the bush
Is that a question you really want to ask or do you just want to tell you that I can't walk without feeling like my legs are collapsing underneath me
Just don't let me get too drunk. At one point I pulled out my dick and pissed at that party. Like on the wall.
I got bit by a peacock. That's how hard shit went down last night.
I'm not the type to go to a guys house...in your case his boat...and sleep with them..I mean I have in the past but I'm trying to be more serious and grown up
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
Randomize
