Please stop trying to convince people that you're retarded and I suck your dick in the same conversation.
Last night Brynn convinced every person at the party wearing glasses that they stole hers, and she woke up with 8 pairs of prescription glasses in her bag.
Don't tits with veins remind you of road maps?
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
That's two mile stones in one shot. A ginger and that's my third ashley.
it felt like i was a kid in an empty playground. i fucked him on every piece of furniture in the house and then when his housemates showed up i was naked in his bed like i'd been there all along.
I heard an explosion in the backyard. You told me you were playing "will it burn".
I feel bad for the cleaning lady. All you can smell is latex and Jaegermeister
Just stuck all that extra cocaine money we made in a savings account...like a responsible adult..
Still pimpin that dick in the cornfields. Now it's just transferred to the local bar.
Only you can make me eat tacos in your car, while naked, on a dead end road in a ditch on a Thursday night.
It's all fun and games until your in the alumni campus center puking on the floor
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
Randomize
