Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
we'll hang out once this whole, "your friends are robbers and drug addicts" thing blows over with my parents.
watchout when you come home, dougs at the top of the stairs naked eating doritos
i really wish james franco would like my vagina
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
But the real question is how many people didn't see my dick last night?
Just for future reference, me asking if you're free, followed by a winking face is not my way of suggesting a tandem bike ride.
it's my favorite when the couple downstairs are having sex so loud that i feel like I'm part of a threesome
second-hand sex is fun, isn't it?
Would your heart desire to drink copious amounts of alcohol tonight?
Omg he has a washer and dryer IN his apartment and lots of back up toilet paper. I went home with an adult. My uterus is pumping out eggs beyond my control.
Came back with a random sweatshirt, an American flag, and a for sale sign. Mission success?
THANK YOU for not letting me make out with that girl omfg I was one step away from a foursome in the handicapped stall
Well, we ended up labeling the relationship. We are now each other's designated butt-toucher.
She gave me a roadie as we drove home from fireworks. People were still lighting off their displays as we drove by. I love America.
Randomize