I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
Just had to explain to the nurse WHERE I have poison ivy. Great Day
You mean 'full wolf form' wasn't a drunk text?
I think he thought he was a gentleman because he bought me the most expensive plan b at cvs
oh my god. were standing in the kitchen and were chanting "EYEBROWS" and shaving peoples eyebrows. I have work tomorrow and want to keep my eyebrows.
I was afraid that she would smell her boyfriend's penis on my breath while we were talking.
It's hard being an adult. And by that I mean it's hard to tell the boy you like who rejected you that you can't share a room with him at white party because you don't want to see him bang other boys.
Smoked all day yesterday and even more today. Just survived high dinner with mom and sister. Thought I might eat the whole table
It was like coming out my mothers vagina again in slow motion
I wanna send them a card but I don't think hallmark makes a "sorry your fiance and another girl blew me at the same time in a frat house but congrats!" card
There's a whistle here and I just want to play my whistle song on it.
Tell the cops to let you through! Tell them you need to do drugs!
Sorry I didn’t really get to say goodbye last night I was busy vomiting in your fathers front yard
So here I am, sexting at work.
he was just sitting there in his underwear... and his chewbacca mask...
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