this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it
Thank you for getting us into that car accident. I have had more guys hit on me than ever before because of my broken fingers.
Shes definitely an expert at this. Her happy hour goes from 4 to 11, then she starts drinking heavy. She also allots 15 minutes each hour for a pee/bj break
The bald eagles cry cause u drink canadian beer.
He won't let me go to the bars unless I can manage to get flip flops on.
Sounds like he's doing this for your own good...
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
They switched jackets and you didn't notice. You made out with both of them and had no idea
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
Literally every boy I've dated is now in a somewhat successful band. My vagina has obviously been blessed by the rock gods.
I'm going to bed early so football can come sooner
So I think my motto should be "losing bras and dignity every weekend" but like in a really amazing way
And what in gods fuck were you drinking. It tasted like windex with a mixture of juce
While I'm here in reality dreaming of catching chili cheese fries with my mouth out of t shirt guns like Jesus is real
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
Randomize
