Did you know nanny-cams work just as well for recording that blow job on the sofa?
where's my purse there's an important taco in it
We were squawking at each other for over an hour like chickens. Literally. Never touching the stuff again and never again showing my face at that Denny's.
you shall refer to me as my indian name from now on...running with dumb cunts
I believe I won the Golden Vodka Bottle of sadness last night for crying while being party boyed.
I'm auditing financial statements and ur growing weed this is bullshit how did this happen to me
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
OH MY GOD THE LITTLE GIRL IS SITTING WITH US WHILE WE SMOKE. I'M NOT DOING THIS
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
His roommate walked in then asked "well did you at least finish". What a way to start your birthday
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
He fucked my brains out then fed me cheese and peanut butter. I might be in love.
Pumped to get "pass out-wake up in Berlin-buy a chinchilla" drunk?
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
I’m gonna slowly take you in my mouth and push you deep into my throat so my lips are right up against your body and then I’m gonna fucking bite your shit off if one more of our friends shows me a snap you took while I was giving you head. Are we clear?
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