He snuck into some random hotel's continental breakfast at 3 AM and then passed out on a bench in the lobby. When the cops found him they made him empty out his pockets. No phone, no ID just muffins.
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
When black out puking doesn't involve crying and promises to never get drunk again... to just a subtle, 'excuse me while I go vomit in the bathroom of this bar'.. you know you've finally grown up.
there is mayo everywhere what the fuckkkk
Just opened a bottle with my rape whistle. At least it's finally getting used for something.
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
Theres a handprint of sauce on my frig, one streaked across my face, a trail of it to my bedroom and sauce all in my bed and i have no idea what the fuck i ate.
Just used "I used to work as an inflatable toy operator" as a pick up line. Freshman frenzy is great...
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
Hangover or death. Death. I'll have a slice of death please.
Can we go out and do something semi fancy soon? I feel like wearing a dress and pretending to be an adult.
He wouldn't let me ride him with a Ninja Turtles hat on...
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
Running my fingers through my hair is like that scene from Patch Adams where the girl goes swimming in a pool of spaghetti. I love molly.
I was trying to come up with a reason why you shouldn't be naked in front of me, and now I have 'If you give a mouse a cookie" stuck in my head
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