so that guy from last night texted me saying i flashed half of my extended family last night. so classy.
Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.
it felt like the flash was giving me a handjob
I love having hate sex.
This year i'm grateful for nothing other than the discovery that the uncircumcized rumors about him were wrong
I really am. The stoner chick wants to get a python.
If I get over there and the april fools joke is that there's no HBO, I'm setting fire to the place.
I'm in Starbucks carrying the boxes wine and the hubcap. So many judging looks.
I had a dream where I was about to fight you but you were dressed like a greek god and had just killed a werewolf with your bare hands
I think my penis runs off weed. I haven't smoked it 3 days and I have no sex drive what so ever
I have a tattoo that says Yolo. You should not have been asking my advice in the first place
i tried giving myself a bikini wax.1. i hate you 2. i think i'm dying
He said he would get me a helmet and bedazzle it with my name and address so the cabs would know where to take me
Irony: drinking your pre workout supplement out of the cup your Krispy Kreme doughnut holes came in.
He ate me out in the warehouse on a pallet of sunlight soap. I fucking love night shift!
Randomize
