If i could tip my vagina, i would.
I'm pretty sure my penis yawned halfway through. That loose.
It's chlamydia! Thank God!
We call it lazy sex. We just lay next to each other and help each other masturbate. that way we can both be on bottom.
he's measuring my pool to see how much jello powder he needs. He got paid today.
LOVE ME LIKE A KANGARO LOVES A POUCH YOU DUMB CUNT
dude throwing a golf cart off a pier is harder than it seems!
They better not charge my debit card for what you peed on.
I feel like vibrating beds are just synonymous with venereal diseases.
He was so high he started playing Twister on the striped rug. Then when we missed midnight he went on a screaming rampage about his New Year's Eve being meaningless. How do you think it went?
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
My house is about to be spotless and the only person visiting is the plumber and not the porno kind.
I should probably eat a Plan B. Pill for breakfast. Happy Halloween.
Like I said, all hypothetical...unless, of course, you'd be into that. My heart may skip a beat.
He took me out to dinner to tell me we had to stop fucking so randomly
Honestly wish he pleased me as much as queso does
Randomize
