Encyclopedia Brown and the case of the missing condom.
I hope Brown isn't a clue to its whereabouts.
She rode me to the beat of Baby Got Back. I swear to god.
I got oddly confused when she started talking in third person in bed.
Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
He's been dead since March and more people write on his wall than mine.
does pizza still have the 5 second rule in the bubble bath?
i lost my airplane ticket and tried to board with a bar receipt in all the confusion. i have officially lost all brain cells in college.
This was just another one of those days you wished you had a penis-size indicator instead of wasting your time isn't it?
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... Men can be so sensitive...
She couldn't understand why my walking in on her 70 year old parents ruined any chance of a boner for at least an hour. I think she's too slow for me to fornicate with.
It was like the icing on a beautiful fuck boy cake.
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
She told me the next morning I stared at her tits for like 15 minutes with binoculars from only a few seats away.
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
I'm the one who said we should take things slow. I'm also the one who forced him into the back on my car so we could have sex.
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