I showed him my bush... on skype.
i was drunk and our names rhymed...what was i supposed to do?
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
I mean I'm forever immortalized as the one who puked in his dad's straw hat.
So, how do I go about conveying: I'm sorry, yet very glad she is having my abortion. Via text msg?
I've banged too many servicemen's wives to still be considered an American.
Have you fucked anyone in the hospital yet because obviously this illness isnt worth it unless you do. I MISS YOUR HEALTH
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
Just know I'm having fun but I still have my motor functions.
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
When I woke up next to him on the living room floor, my glasses were broken and it felt like someone rubbed a cactus all over my vag
Two of my roommates are waxing their vaginas in the living room. Can I come smoke?
No it's like. I don't respect you. And I think you're a terrible person but. I still wanna bone it out.
No no. Thank you. Killed multiple birds with one penis.
Randomize
