Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
yesterday i saw a blind man guiding himself into a NYC tour bus... and i thought i waste money
i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
Is it weird I want to fuck the cartoon chick from e-surance??
I drew a venn diagram at the top of my final comparing stuff i know and stuff on the test.
relax...and go to your happy place, which probably has a lot of dicks
I can't even go pee because I'm making sure he doesn't run off somewhere naked.
Do you know how to give stiches?
I do not...this text concerns me
I'm concerned that this blind man on the bus has a boner right now
yeah...well...life isn't all puppies & lap dances
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
NO BABIES. YOUR VAGINA WILL BLEED WITHIN A FORTNIGHT.
Why is there a waffle in the knife drawer?
The real question is why are there knives in the waffle drawer.
why do i have a pole dance champion shot glass?
Wait you took his virginity AND broke his bed doing it
I know! I’m the best!
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