Don't feel obligated to get back to me but I think I just fell in love with a middle aged waitress at the Dennys in waco. She's used but in good condition.
so they are in my phone as twin 1 and twin 2. but i forget which is which. did i put them in order of who I hooked up with first, or who is sexier? cause i'm not trying to text the one with the girlfriend
1st off, theyre identical. 2ndly, have i ever told you that youre a huge slut? hope that helps
she kicked me out for pissing in the recycling bin. I mean, is it really THAT big of a deal?
My google history shows every combination of "red lobster cheesy biscuits" possible.
you asked the janitor if you could ride his floor cleaner.
If you want to borrow my flask for all future interviews as a good luck charm because your last one went so well with it in your suit pocket, just let me know
We're going to catch a squirrel this summer
they need to invent a card that reads "thanks for all those boners you gave me that you did NOTHING about"
Why would you hook up with someone whos known for peeibg in someones mouth
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
michael burned off one of his eyebrows making a pizza so he had to shave off the other one to make it look even. it doesn't look right, but I'd still bang him.
I just got attacked by a swarm of butterflies. Nothing is okay anymore.
Nothing better then waking up to multiple snap stories of people doing body shots of tequlia off of you
Stupid adulating
Yeah it sucks, but at least I can buy wine so it all comes out in the wash
Dude I just clenched/unclenched my hindquarters while looking in the mirror I have fucking talent
Randomize
