I lost my virginity in that bed. You just layed in history.
I may have just googled Muppet Treasure Island drinking game
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
I have the slightest memory of swinging a bag full of condoms over my head...
The best part about being single is knowing how much everyone secretly creeps behind their gf/bfs back. You wouldn't believe..Have a great date night!
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
When we pulled over so you could pee, you made us stand over you and "make a roof"
I just googled "creative ways to tell someone you'll give them a blow job". I'm losing my touch.
I woke up to Elf. I don't know which one of you put that in my DVD player when I passed out but I appreciate you.
You should come over tomorrow. Wine, pizza and my vagina. Those are all great things.
You walked around in your costume going up to every guy saying "I'm a squirrel, give me your nuts"
That ass isn’t going to eat itself.
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
100000% expect a picture of my ass in them
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