His moose knuckle keeps winkin at me
His idea of a romantic evening was shotgunning Keystones. What a keeper.
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
They are baked and once again have spent the last 45 mins talking about opening up a world wide business called "pickle on a stick"
No I'm not coming over. That Bob Ross drinking game is too intense.
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
Hey.. Here's a thought for the evening. There's only two more sleeps until I fuck you so hard my back teeth will convulse.. Here's too Tuesday! Woohooooo
That number that I thought was that dude's number...was actually my district manager's number. Fuckkkk.
WHY AM I THE ONLY ONE CONCERNED ABOUT THE SEAGULL IN THE OVEN
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
Sometimes I think about the fact that I lost my virginity while watching anime and I wonder what that says about me
I had a flashback of using my sock as a napkin after we got taco bell
I think it was a smart move. Quickest way to get over a guy, hook up with his friends.
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
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