in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
I don't know what you told him but please make him stop telling me about his new video camera and winking
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
I will always remember that night by waking up in that tablecloth the next morning
You were walking around in your swim suit, an open robe, snow boots and a death grip on that handel of captain morgan.
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
Come my child we shall walk thru the pasture of amazing sex and corndogs. Hint:some corndogs are not corndogs.
I slept with someone shorter than me. My vagina weeps.
You fool.
Apparently "dick me" was not the response he was looking for.
I just want to eat and sleep til I'm dead. I should've been born a cat.
My serious response to your Cathy tattoo inquiry- Do you ever want to get laid by someone not wearing a Blossom style bucket hat? Tattoo accordingly.
He wants to pour butter pecan flavored coffee creamer on me and lick it off. I'm like, dude, gross. French Vanilla ok? Ugh.
Is using La Croix as a mixer for vodka a legit way to reach my daily water consumption?
oh what is to come when my single life starts with a threesome?
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