I thought she was mad at me, but then we did a pose off and I realized we're friends for life
so sad. i just ate the last good 'n' plenty out of the bottom of my purse.
He was telling me how the song fireflies makes him feel like he can talk to animals
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
I feel like she's the kind of girl who always ends up with guys who have oddly shaped dicks..
Someday, but I will be heavily drugged and there will be no dolphins.
Probably not well advised, but you're welcome to stop by if your not ready to end your night. You know, for Thanksgiving's sake.
Wanna play whack-a-mole in my pants?
Your word choices worry me.
I mean, you got a giant dick. I've seen lawn gnomes that are smaller.
He cannot be your sugar daddy. He looks like a literal hot dog.
He has great taste in girls. I feel closer to my Eskimo sisters than my real sister...
you said "it's karaoke night" and tried to use my dick as a microphone
He came so fast i dont think he got it all the way in. He apologized and gave me his favorite baseball card.
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
Randomize
