i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
how in the hell can u get pulled over when ur car is parked.
I love how I just got my coachella ticket and ecstasy in a package deal.
Just saw 30+ dicks. Explain later.
Just found my toeprints on the glass of his sunroof.
We're all in the kiddie pool on the porch. Fully clothed. Watching porn. With my manager.
I'd like to be considered more than just his fuck buddy thanks. IVE BEEN RISKING PREGNANCY FOR SEVEN GODDAMN MONTHS I DESERVE THE TITLE OF GIRLFRIEND
There is no way that a naked man in your kitchen can be explained-away as a "misunderstanding."
im just gonna lie here and collect money in this whoppers bag while sprawled out on this bench and explain that its to buy weed for my hangover
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
You told your family you're bi over the phone?!
We were talking about exes and it just came out....and so did I.
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
He told me I was a good dog mom. I've never been so turned on in my life
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