Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
Ok a condom literally fell out of my underwear this morning, i have never been so confused.
you just kept swimming in circles and whenever someone would try and coax you out you would scream "i CANNOT drown, my brother is the supervisor of a water park!!
You need to get here now. Before they realize I'm not puerto rican.
I broke his nose at the bar and he still went home with me.
currently pooping in a public restroom while drinking free beer. there has never been a finer line between awesome and depressing.
no, throwing your underwear at it is not the solution to everything
She pushed me over. She offered me a shot from her tits. We're good now
She's going to hate me
Yeah well one of her many personalities always hates you.
The rest will just start to agree
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
you got in a fight with your imaginary friend last night when he didn't catch you after a surprise trust fall
So random question. Does beer act the same as other alcohol disinfectants?
Well, if it makes you feel any better I'll be drinking tequila and doing lines on Halloween. Just like old days.
I'm pretty sure my munchies are the only reason Good and Plenty is still around
I'm going to book club and then I'm going to get laid. Being in your 20s ain't so bad sometimes.
Randomize
