I think my guts just had a chinese fire drill
My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
still wasted. at home depot . just threw up in one of the demo showers. not okay.
Hippo gnu deer
My vagina is depressed thinking about her future.
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
Well tech shes born nov 12, but since her head was out on the 11th, she claims both days as her birthday
I literally just smashed open my grade school piggy bank for beer money. Goodbye childhood. Hellllllo coin night.
I woke up and found piles of popcorn in a trail around my house, ending at a laundry basket full of pillows. What were we trying to catch last night?
All I've done for this 11 hour car ride is kegel and listen to our sex playlist so your dick better be good and ready
It's difficult to focus on bonds when you know your classmate peed in your mouth
so i might have slept on your bathroom floor last night...
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