FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
i find it sad that i can no longer sit in the back of class for fear that someone will fart into the heater again.
So I just used shazaam to figure out a pairs figure skating song. I don't think I could get any gayer.
the room spins SO much faster in panama
theres a wall by my room thats like, a prime fucking wall. before i move out SOMEBODY is gonna fuck me on that wall, goddamnit.
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
I expected to wake up with a sext of you posing nude and all I got was a missed call.....disappointed.
I'm sorry I think it was because I lost a chicken nugget in my purse and that's all that was on my mind until 4am
You should have seen her, she looked like a skinny Jabba The Hutt
That literally makes no sense
Exactly
Oh my god. I just RAN OVER a child. Oh my god this isnt my day. That kid was cool as fuck though
I decided to let him keep the rest of my good weed as an "I'm sorry for being a drunk ass ho" consolation prize.
Never go with a hippy to a second location. I fucking hate Xanax.
i think the realest test of our friendship is how hot your sister looks right now
I can't trust your balls anymore.
Riddle me this: why did I wake up next to a stuffed sword fish?
It was a successful conference for my sales and my sex life. Those are probably related
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