I told him I had my daily dose of vitamin c so i wouldn't blow him
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
Can we promise no matter what that we have sex the night the Mayan calendar runs out?
I was a battlefield of empty bottles and bodies. We though we won, but the booze had the last laugh.
Wearing the 'Let's Party' thong feels weird without you...
I can't! Its just like the night that I bathed you, I didn't tell anyone.
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
I had to hose off vomit off my driveway at 9 am.....so hot
I swear to god....if you can give yourself a brazilian you can take a fucking bullet
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
I just want a simple guy who likes cats, tattoos, and doing coke off my tits.
You could at least care enough to fake an orgasm for me.
If it were up to me his wife would never get his penis again, but I guess they have some sort of arrangement
Yes, an arrangement called marriage
I didn’t say it was classy, I said it was sexy
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