So drunk its hurt
im ready to get crazy and take my wig off
you kept singing the copa cabana and saying HAVE A BANANA to random people on the street. you also went up to this poor short guy and hugged him while proceeding to yell I LOVE YOU CHILD MAN into his face. please tell me you're sober now
Omg!!!! Call me in the morning I just saw A stripper queef out a dollar
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
i jus dunped the rest of my drink down the sink and tool my bra off. pretty sure this is the best decision for everybody.
I never thought your mom would see me throwing up on my hands and knees in your front yard
Kegstand on crutches, you need to get on my level.
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
I just projectile vomited into my kitchen sink. Today need to be over already.
She wore her engagement ring the whole time we fucked. I hate her fiancee, so it was cool
I wish I could say this wasn't the first time I shit myself in a Piggly Wiggly.
Randomize
