I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
I've come to notice a late period isn't as exciting when you have no reason to worry
Ok...drunk girls at the bar are charging $1 for motorboating. It's fucking WEDNESDAY. I never want to leave.
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
It's been a year of occasional hook ups....this was bound to happen sometime even with your jank ovary schedule.
As if right now I am a humanitarian. Full story to come in the morning. It involves sex.
Was my mother there when I broke the stipper pole?
It's whatever. I just want to see his dick again
Omg you can't vacuum salsa that's just ridiculous
Your uterus is safe from my father's misconstrued prophecies.
What's the plan?
Not sure. I think I'll take a dump on his windshield.
Let’s try it, I’ve never had a bad time with sex, tacos and beer.
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
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