Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
i was sitting in the back seat of her car with her boyfriend while she was driving. it was pretty awkward, but i dont think "so my dick's been in your girl's mouth too" was a good ice breaker
cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
I was too drunk to read the menu, let alone her body language.
Someone better explain the burnt stove marks on my bed.
Why is the word 'best' written on my chest?!!
Zach is always passed out on the floor somewhere.face down in a puddle of his own absurdity
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
The fact that I took a nap during my midterm shows exactly how I handle being an adult
but there's so much I wanna do before I have kids. like die
He started a convo with me by saying that we went to high school together and then recommended I try meth.
Fuck it, I work hard. I deserve nice sex toys
He's honking my boob in his sleep
It's innocent and endearing in some way
I either have food poisoning or I'm pregnant. Either way, I NEED JESUS!
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