I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
i saw his dick when we were four, so thats kind of ruined for me now
We're doing a case race on Saturday.
I'm in. I'm currently drinking a beer in the bathtub so I guess I can consider this "practice" and not just "alcoholism"
it was really awkward..i thought he had two dicks, but later realized it was jsut his roommate
Sometimes I seriously wonder if I could get away with vodka Sundays at work. Cuz this red bull feels naked.
We just threw our carpet out of our room. Via fourth floor window style.
My roommate made me a peanut butter and sprinkles sandwich. Maybe tonight isn't that bad
My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles
how are you shocked you fucked her? sure shes hot, but she also washed your beerpong balls in her mouth..... you should probably get tested.
When my mom found out he was a high school drop out she was like "seriously? Can we raise the bar a little higher next time kels?" So my moms pretty cool
Dude, you vomitted into a trashcan wearing your bear hands and high heels. Your drug dealer even said that was rough.
I had to break it to her that she was not in fact behind the bushes when she peed on the church last night
maybe one of us should just pity fuck him and get it over with.
dude, where did you go? french fries taste like numbers
And then I woke you by humping you to Lionel Ritchie.
Randomize
