Is it sad i was sitting here thinkin how i would only fuck Rob Pattinson if he was glittery at said time.
He wouldnt get hard, then started talking about his ex wife. I literally rolled over and started to cry
Her vagina smelled like hockey gear.
It's always a relief to be able to look at some one, and remind yourself that there IS some one who gets laid less then yourself.
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
I can't. He's too cute and my tongue is too long.
Your doorknob is in my back seat, in case you were looking for it.
This is Jewish guilt versus Irish Catholic guilt. We should tread carefully, or we could fuck up the space-time continuum or something.
I'm okay with that.
I went limp when I heard her mom fart from her parents bedroom. It lasted longer than my hard on.
Omg he has a washer and dryer IN his apartment and lots of back up toilet paper. I went home with an adult. My uterus is pumping out eggs beyond my control.
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
I just had a sex dream about orange juice, so there's that.
He started yelling terms of endearment at a cheese sandwich. Then he tried to hump it.
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
The same idiot-bubble, now just bigger and louder.
Randomize
