our cab driver is having phone sex.
dude if Megan calls say you Sis was house sitting for me yesterday , she f'n found dana's panties
it's like iHOP with fire
Sorry if this is weird, but please don't have sex in my truck. I get to be the first...
Not only did I get beyond cray cray this weekend. My body has nursed itself to plentiful and impeccable health. Fuck you world, I am back.
I still feel like a bad person. A shoulder to cry on became a dick to suck.
I wore a shirt that says "more tequila" to my bday party last year and that's why I want to be my own friend
I may watch porn and eat a baked potato covered in chili in bed
Gotta wait until my full time offer is confirmed before I try to fuck the mid level manager
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
I stole an accordion from the bar
Accidentally
I'm having ragrets about stealing the accordion
I CLEANED MY BATHROOM FOR YOU!! betrayal
His favorite positions involve choking me out. I'm marrying him.
Fuck my life he IS a stripper, Ive been sleeping with a stripper named Phoenix. damnit, I knew the sex was too good
You threw him in the dryer?
He went in of his own accord. Mumbled something about experiencing the blossoming of popcorn.
Randomize
