Never eat 3 McGriddles and drink a carton of milk. It's like you're successfully killing self but you're alive.
reason #14 for loving my boobs...just got out of a 40mph over the limit speeding ticket thru a work zone. i dont think the cop knew i even had a face
at what point did putting a bag of doritos in the freezer seem like a really good idea?
I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.
He wants a "vagina fling" before he commits to dick for life. I'm gonna allow it.
if the future wants me to fuck him, then i guss i have to
I told him to keep his feelings in his pants because they're annoying and to just fuck me.
Boats looked like robot pelicans and time was slow and now im on wipe out
We'll just charge in there, all pant less and fabulous demanding he give back her ferret.
Though I don't usually want to turn down ladies who want to liquify my clothing with their eyes, I made an exception.
I walked in on him pumping himself up by headbanging to the drumbeat from Jumanji.
if you want to know how my night is going I just ugly cried in the cheesecake factory
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
OMG LOOK AT THAT PIECE OF MAN
I haven’t trained for this.
I peed on his bed and he still likes me. #keeper
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