I just found cold cuts in the blender. You and beefeater can no longer have unsupervised parties.
At the end of the night you handed the bartender a piece of paper with the word "VISA" written on it.
I couldn't sleep so I drunk ellipticaled for an hour. Worst. Idea. Ever.
Is your answer to that text seriously a right parenthesis
i wish his balls had a scratch and sniff sticker elsewhere so i would know before i even went down there
they were having sex on the toilet apparently and everytime someone knocked they flushed. it was like an auditory scoreboard of sex duration.
Dan marino should def buy this ambulance. But not this one. I'm gonna fuck this ambulance up
I just tried on my "outfit" for tonight and I should just wear sweatpants and a sign on my face that says I like it in the ass. That would be more comfortable
I got kicked out of the bar for suggesting that the bartender drop her tits into my Redbull instead of the usual liquor
How do you explain to a guy that he's like a little puppy dog that you play with, but then leave at the shelter to go home to your German Shepard?
Hey my dad gave me life the least I can do is take him chicken strips and a pack of marlboros.
We have a lot of substance abuse to do tomorrow its sleep time
Trump won PA by a fucking landslide. If only Cruz hadn't eaten that booger.
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
i think we reached that point in our drunkenness where even the creeps found us intolerable
Randomize
