i wish i could just chop off my fat with a knife..i would rather endure that than work out
Last night you tried to pee on my bed...in the hallway...your room...and the showers. When I finally got you on the toilet you passed out.
No, pictures of your dick will not make me feel better about my grandmother having a brain tumor.
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
making a list of all the places we've peed. separate list of places we peed when we were stoned
I just explained it as we hate everyone in the world more then we hate each other. Thus making us friends. Plus we drink...a lot
I think drinking is the foundation of our friendship
he got all sad that i was going to fuck his roommate, so i just asked him if it would make him feel better if I let him motor boat me. i am such a saint.
They should make a traveling bouncer service to remove unwanted people from your house without getting the cops involved. That sums up my Friday.
I threw up outside of a cab while waiting in a drive thru Mexican line while others who i don't know watched from their cars while they ate. Dinner and a show.
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
Ill go to bed but tamed sharks isnt so much of a bad idea. Not for riding
Sooo, did you delete me cause I said I wouldn't babysit you while you did shrooms? You're a grown man.
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
Sorry for trying to wake you up by slapping your ass with a fruit 2 go.
I can’t shake the image of her gigantic black unibrow. It’s like I got a blowie from Eugene Levy
Randomize
