Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
I just told the 2nd grade class leprechauns are the children of midgets.
I told him that he is like a snow storm I never know when he is coming, how many inches I will get, or how long it will last
It's official. I now have that "I was drunk and needed the money" college story to share later in life.
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
He leaned over in the middle of the movie and said "My dick's name is Juan". WHO DOES THAT?
So this tall girl jumped in our cab and I was like hey I have pics of u on my phone. It wasn't creepy at all
Come get your sister, she's waving a shoe about and threatened to "teabag the Shit" out of the doorman because she can't check the shoe in.
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
dying me prepared for dead me... i woke up with my laptop open to the last snl episode, a bottle of gatorade, advil and a bag of chocolate all next to me
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
my favorite part of this morning was sitting at the gynecologist smelling like cigarettes and wearing yesterday's clothes.
Couch. On fire.
Met a beautiful Irishman two nights in a row. I may never come back.
I'm reading fall out boy fanfic. What has my life come to.
Randomize
