Call me so I can make it juicy for ya
we got back to my place and he started talking about feelings. i politely told him to leave and that he managed to cock block himself.
i just saw a white kid with an afro using a martini shaker as a coffee thermos. go college.
my fake id says im a 34 yr old russian lady ... how is this working
I've hooked up with six guys in my ethics class next semester...I feel like I've failed already
I remember desperately screaming that I love my life and running in zig zags all the way home
Apparently, I kept going on about how i'm going to name my first born Ramen. I think this is a good parenting move.
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
I stuck my fake eyelashes to his balls after he passed out.
I got whiskey, so I think the blizzard and I are at an even match
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
Got stuck at my fwb place for three days because I decided sex was more important than my safety in the weather. Worth it.
He's unconstrained by sanity, physics, or his liver.
Our office went out together for the first time to celebrate the fact our coworker got fired.
If you could come do me into like a 12 hour coma that'd be great
Randomize
