How come twittering sounds sexual?
Because of Bambi.
okay I may or may not have wrapped my body pillow up in your t-shirt and sprayed it with your axe and am now spooning with it.
again? I'm starting to get a little creeped out now.
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
The fact that he is from Canada is way more embarrassing than the fact that you met him on match.com
if you really don't think our country's going to shit think of this. Exactly one year from now I will either be in law school or teaching young, impressionable kids, maybe even yours. Try to sleep after that.
Finding out he was uncircumcised by feeling his foreskin in my mouth was NOT ideal. New rule. Lights ALWAYS on.
Found the puke drawer
He walks in. We each have a tiki torch. We say, the tribe has spoken. We put his out and then stab him with it.
I need to ask my mom where the drain cleaner is, but I'm afraid she'll ask why and the answer to that will just be "cum."
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
Also I’m on 3%. Just Incase.. I miss you and I love you and you’re my everything and I’m getting drunk.
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
Randomize
