I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
Looks like an M-80 went off in a lb. of pastrami
I want to make a porn site called "girls with daddy issues"
i woke up to my roomate hitting me in the head with a can of PBR at 8:30 in the morning...i love spring break
Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
It's not my fault I help girls realize they're lesbians.
I decided to have standards now that i've graduated. No guys without a bed frame.
You better be watching. There will be a POP quiz. Each correct answer gains you 5 more minutes of the sexual act of your choice
Did you blow the guy you weren't supposed to hook up with again in the bathroom of pita pit? Cause that happened last night...
I am very happy to share that the hospital says the testicle pain is normal and that they are going to take care of it.
I feel like the fact that I slept with someone who dresses up like Batman a few times will never be lived down.
Worst way to find out I have a half sister
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
Randomize
