I wish my mouth had a period so that could be my excuse on those days I don't feel like giving head
At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
blowing a .13 at 10 AM isn't nearly as cool as I thought it would be.
just threw up nine times in the shower.. solid night last night.
It doesn't matter if he doesn't speak English because I speak the international language of blowies.
that shit musta been laced I laughed for two hours and everyone looked like penguins
She is singing the swedish chef song and throwing utensils. I love this place
there's fuck elsewhere to go, I'll be there with 8 lbs of bronzer on my tits
I Can't even believe I threw all my pizza rolls at her, I mean not only did i ruin a good meal but now I dont have anymore
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
you said "this ones for the homies" and proceeded to pour the shot into your other cup instead of the ground b/c "good liquor is not meant to wasted no matter the circumstances"
Just witnessed some guy throw his fake eye at his dad's face. Actually, he whipped it at him.
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
he asked if he should bring the trash can into the room.. apparently i shoved my finger all over his face and said.. shhhh dont talk... just take your pants off.
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