So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
All was going smooth until he pulled a condom out of his collection he kept in a Cheesy Gordita Crunch Box from Taco Bell.
They upped the price of Plan B! Rite-aid is going to be the reason I have illegitimate kids.
As I climbed in the bathroom window from the room I noticed both him rommates staring and talking about me in the hall...
Apparently, Mom was less-than-happy about us shotgunning beers before we opened presents.
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
Know of anyone who would be interested in trading weed for meatballs?
Your whole purpose in life is to just float around and satisfy lonely women and also join lesbian couples in threesomes.
His new place is a molesden. Like a hole in the ground. It's frightening how oddly private it is.
It rubs the lotion on it's foreskin...
You had me at "let me see your balls"
It figures that the only time one of my videos on Snapchat gets replayed is a video of my Hedonism Bot impression and NOT my nudes
Not sure who they are or where we're going but they just bought me 3 tacos so I'm staying.
I just do things that aren't classy the classy way.
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
I woke up with pitch black feet and crushed doritos around my mouth. That's how I determined how my night went
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