I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
my mom noticed the "toothpaste" stain on my tshirt...she repeatedly attempted to get it off by licking her thumb and rubbing it. See Jenn it obviously doesnt taste that bad...
In a car. Threw up in my mouth. Haven't said a word in 10 minutes.
Just caught my first cougar this fake was worth every fucking penny.
He hit on a bridal shower w/ his hand on my tit the entire time. Gave his number to the mom.
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
But hes like a baby bird with a broken wing that i want to FUCK.
I don't know. I just thought I'd put my drinks in my bag and go on an adventure. Like a drunk Bilbo Baggins.
The wizard has you scheduled for a 6am sex breakfast
I'm so there
I built a fence. For the bunnies we're going to adopt. I'll fill you in when you get home.
First sex of the summer I'm winning 1-0
GET HOME NOW
Oh shit
Ah. Hot spring. Infinitely less skeevy than a hot tub. These North Carolinian dudes are all class.
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
Is there something wrong with us? Seriously.
Possibly, but I'd rather not fix it.
Randomize
