between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
Why do you keep getting laid in MY dreams
I remember seeing LSAT prep books and thinking "Whose room is this? I should be hooking up with them instead."
I apologize for forcing you to look at my boob when we were high. It was uncalled for
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
they wouldn't let me take the pitcher of beer on the ferris wheel
Omg having my Grindr go off at the planned parenthood is just not okay
It's embarrassing enough people in my life are aware of the ridiculous things that happen to me. I don't think we need to get the whole world involved.
SURVIVAL MODE. WE CAN DO THIS. Celebratory survived-working-christmas-retail sex to follow
With everyone putting up pictures of their moms on Facebook it's time to go single MILF hunting.
When she tells her friend, "hey I'll be back tomorrow, just going to fuck a guy", right in front of you, you know you've got a winner.
I threw up vodka and borscht. I'm done with life...I threw this up in a McDonald's bathroom btw.
I know. I'm a saint. Saint of sitting on faces.
so do you remember taking your shirt off and just standing in your bra at the bar or no?
Randomize
