At a place where you lie naked on a big pile of pillows and they feed you lobster. You eat it with your bare hands.
last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
i half slept with him but i still dont owe you any money
My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
i take my contacts out every time we fuck so i cant see all the stretch marks
How many beers are too many "cause it's Archer Thursday" beers?
If you can count on one hand the number of times you have actually, truly nearly died this month, then you are not really living yet.
you're the one asking for my vibrator at 4 in the morning so reconsider your life
Blood work from physical was all good, apparently heavy alcohol use agrees with me
His penis looked like how I would imagine Satan's pinky finger.
I just sent my ex off to a party, threw a condom at him, and told him to make good choices.
Seriously I'm not after your cock. It's a nice bonus, like finding $20 in the dryer, but not the reason I hang out with you.
It's official. Post baseball sex is better than post hockey sex. I hope the Blue Jays win the world series.
Me-World Problems: do I have my boyfriend come to my birthday party in drag, or is that too weird for the first time meeting literally any of my friends
We're in an alley with a psychic wizard, shes reading our palms
Randomize
