My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
God gave him joint rollers for hands
Kayla got stiches in her face. Rode in an ambulance shotgun. Tried to steal a baby, thought it was mine
Why didn't I see you last night!?
We made out like 4 times....I think I saw you.
She literally got down on all fours and I swear did a 360 degrees head rotation exorcist barf...and then moaned IT WAS THE TACO BEEEELLLLLL
so no, not her best night
At least I will not still be rolling when I pick up this animal. Thats a good development in five years
Uhm after 8 I don't recall anything. All I know is there's a picture of me playing pong with my grandmother.
im just going to make a prayer circle of top ramen packets and cheap beer
You got a write up and a first aid award all in the same night. The don was impressed!
I think "we've never met sober" is a great relationship to have with someone
I'm a terrible person when I drink. I went from fine to not making any sense and yelling about cheese in like 30 seconds.
some kid just came up 2 me bleeding yelling "thats how u riot"
this is the 3rd time this week I've gone to the liquor store to stock up for the next 2 weeks
There’s so much sex at the hospital I’m beginning to think scrubs were invented to make duty booty easier
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