Spotted: Pepto Bismol pink Scion with Ed Hardy sticker on front window, air freshener, and seat covers. Total Douchette Mobile.
No, we ended up finding him drunk at a bus stop downtown sitting on the bench asking people for chocolates and amazing stories to "rid his mind of his whore of a girlfriend"
Now for something completely different: ive figured out how to eat a banana without insinuating something completely naughty
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
We stayed in and smoked weed and watched Dreamgirls. We made each other's vaginal lips sing the songs. Mine was Beyonce, hers was Jamie Foxx. I think this is one of those times you're jealous you're not an awesome lesbian.
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
we're stoned watching those roller coaster simulators w our hands up screaming on our couch
My roommate took my designated hickey removing spoon out of the freezer.
Well you know it's going to be an interesting night when the bathroom attendant is doing hail marrys
I'm doing laundry from this weekend.. That poor shirt I wore to the rave smells like a dead animal that rolled in weed and pain..
I've figured out why I love winter sex. Because I make them leave the beanie on, and we all know I love a man in a beanie.
They have a house rule that you get a composite for every 5 guys you sleep with. Where should I hang my new one?
It's barely past noon, how am I already talking about double penetration
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
Randomize
