i wanted a birthday blowjob. not a birthday VD.
Just looked at my outgoing calls. Seems I had a 7 minute convo with my 10th grade english teacher at 2:56 am Saturday...
Get the fuck buddy a birthday present or not? He def deserves one, but how do I explain the debit card charge to my husband?
He kept buying me shots of tequila. I decided to just save myself the half hour of toilet hugging and tell him straight up that I intended on sleeping with him. We got Tacos on the way home with all the money we saved.
only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
Just heard the words 'Pussy Riot' on NPR...I almost crashed my car.
All I can remember is posting my chicken burger in the post box. Postman is in for a treat.
You should kill a bro for me and drag his carcass home so I can study him.
if it doesnt flame it aint got game is a bad drinking motto eyebrow-wise.
eyebrows regrow, your balls dont
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
how come you came home with "Amanda owns this" written on your forhead
The guy I hooked up with last night left me alone with his dog AND IT JUST SHIT ON THE FLOOR. WHAT DO I DO
I'm sure as hell not getting hoodwinked into going back to rehab again
He apologized for cumming on my leg, but not for ghosting me for 3 weeks before :(
When I found out he was circumcised I called his mother and thanked her
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