So I went into my gym pretty wasted and asked the trainer guy if i could order a cock meat sandwich. Needless to say, I'm canceling my membership tomorrow.
Do you realize we just stole 12 dollars worth of quarters each from the office petty cash just to get manicures? New high or New Low?
I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
Everything was going good until she wanted to update her status...You forgot to close pterodactyl porn from this morning. Clothes went back on.
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
I want to apologize 3 days in advance for what's about to take place on St. Patrick's day.
There's so much relief when you realize you wake up in your own bed
How sober do you have to be to donate blood?
No. Her boobs are the one spot of warmth in my life right now and I will not let you take them from me.
I sat on the toilet and peed through my jeans, then I pissed the bed and blamed him...do you think well have a 2nd date?
You know the cave of wonders in Aladdin? That's how I feel about his apartment. Except with blow and other treasures.
No. Dude. I didn't knoe it eas floibg to move. It's slepprru ixuy!
But I don't see you as the jesus riding a dinosaur with a machine gun type of guy
The clothing optional portion of the night began around midnight. Then we did disgusting things to each other. It was beautiful.
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