even my farts smell like vagina
i just found out that washing ur bong in the dishwasher works. its been a productive day
Did you just see the Batmobile???
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
I tried douching with a turkey baster. Not the brightest idea.
I just got a flashback from Saturday night of you helping me wash my feet in the bar's bathroom.
I'm pretty sure we organized our beer pong teams according to who's been circumsized...
Does the room smell any better?
Yeah, i sprayed perfume. It smells like Victoria's Secret, if Victoria's secret was that she was homeless.
As Scar once said. Be prepared! For the shit show of what's coming tonight
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
I don't think it counts as a booty call at 6:30 pm.
Roommate charged out of his room in pajamas yelling "MAKE IT RAIN" and just threw $4,000 in fifties onto my head. My Friday night.
Every time I look at him 'Relax' by Frankie Goes to Hollywood plays in my head. Is that weird?
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