I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
It's been a long time since I felt this bad on a Monday... and for that, I thank you.
just to let you know, its not cheating if i cant feel my hands.
i slept with him so i could steal the screens out of his sink faucets for my bowl when he went to sleep. not because he's funny.
... there are chew marks on my license. I have no idea.
Taking back a box of condoms is possibly the most depressing thing i've ever done
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
My body is like , remember when you wouldn't let me puke last night? Good luck at work fucker.
Fuck. I have to get my shit together by lunch. Mission impossible.
hell hath no fury like a questionably-gay best friend scorned
Smoking a bowl and ordering Dominos, you want in on either, both, or none?
We were making out and truffle butter was playing in the background. I stopped mid make out session and said, "I'm really sorry but I have to rap Nicki's part."
Business idea: assless chaps for toddlers. I'm high.
Also so weird my phone cracked after I repeatedly threw it at the ground as hard as possible
Stupid Covid-19
The universal cock block of this decade
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