her vagina looked like a handful of raisins.
Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
you probably should not have drank the wine that everyone spits out. and the sad part, that was not even your low point last night
this is never going to happen for me, I think he thinks I'm crazy
well you did scream "PLEASE! I'LL S YOUR D IN FRONT OF EVERYONE"
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
It's the first day of summer. It's not a race it's a marathon. Pace yourself
I never thought the first time a taser would be used on me would be at an applebees
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
Rush week is fine, only the t-shirts are white and if it rains, the frat boys in their lawn chairs will be treated to 800 freshmen girls in their first wet tshirt contest.
Welcome to college.
Today I'm playing this game called how physically long can I Lay in this one spot before moving, do you have an estimated time of departure?
Also I like this area. Lots of places for me to get tacos.
Today is a wonderful day to be mildly hungover
I need you there. I need someone to glance at when other people inevitably annoy me.
I'm going to talk him into letting me tie him up, and then just leave him that way and go meet you for fro-yo.
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
Randomize
