My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
she asked if she could keep her bee antennas on during her mugshot. i love halloween.
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
the date was going great.. until he pulled down his pants and asked if there was any hair in between his cheeks.
I guess at this point I should stop judging guys on their looks and more on their major and trust fund. Growing up sucks.
Glad we went casual last night, made my 1pm walk of shame through Walmart a little less obvious
He had to carry me to the car. But then sat with me and waited for me to sober up enough to have sex. He's a keeper.
He kept dropping hints about giving me crabs. Like he called my pubes a nest and said he "hoped there weren't any eggs in there."
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
come help me. im curled up in the fetal position on the upper floor of the lib. please bring more caffeine or alcohol
its ok. its hell week the lib is a no judgment zone right now
I distinctly remember holding up a piece of ham pizza and screaming: "WHO THE FUCK EATS HAM PIZZA" in the face of a bunch of scared 13 year old girls faces, while my own sister laughed in mine.
Last night you snap chatted some chick a pic of bottle service with the caption "send tits"
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
Randomize
