You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
member when we used to take shits together before volleyball games?
If you dont, I will tell Dad you are gay.
Fine, and I will tell him you fucked his business partner
Previous statement retracted.
He cut you off when you said Paula Dean was in your soul...He kicked you out when "Paula" started eating random peoples food
Despite what happened tonight, Im still expecting Jesus birthday sex
I ended up with a gash in my head from drunken dancing last night. I love life.
Dreamed I made out with a stranger after falling out of a car, let's make this happen tonight.
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
You know you have done too many drugs when you gum the sugar off your margarita without even thinking twice
We're both clumsy. What does this imply for our kids?
Helmets.
Your normalization of crazy is frightening.
I had sex in the back of a hot foreign guy with a lacoste eye patch's car
ya I had reallllllly good sex last night too that will probably get me evicted
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
I think I just shit out all my problems.
Randomize
