at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
She cried. My mom screams. And nut went everywhere. It was all around a bad situation.
I drank myself into bisexuality again.
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
My Mom printed off all of my Augusts text messages. Apparently I've been drinking WAY too much and having an intermediate drug problem. I have to go home everyw weekend for the rest of the semester
He tried eating fireworks, to stop him being hungover in the morning. Where do you keep finding these people?!
There are twenty thousand men on this campus, please have sex with someone who isn't my drug dealer
BTW I totally understand panda express being popular amongst the highs. I can feel the shrimp being slaughtered in my mouth. It's fantastic.
She had sex with a starfish painted on her face. Thank you Halloween
HOW DO YOU FORGET TO FINISH WINE
anyways, do you want to make more embarrassing memories that im bound to remind you about later and laugh about?
And also ice skating can blow me. Goodnight, love you!
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
Our sex is like an episode of "The Simpsons." Picture Homer choking Bart, and that's pretty much what we're into.
No, I told him I was busy again this weekend. Eventually he’ll learn. Plus, absence makes the cock grow harder
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