So instead of cumming in her, I peed in her...
What did she do!?
I didn't tell her...
Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
did we decide the 'sorry about the threesome' cake was too flippant?
HE IS COURTING ME WITH CHINESE FOOD AND IT IS WORKING.
Just got a voicemail from a guy referring tp himself "as chest hair guy". If I'm coming home to a intervention I understand.
Dude cabbage spilt on the floor, and now danielles rolling it. Happy st party's day.
Stop leaving me alone with my ex boyfriends after keg challenges. Woke up in his bed covered in what you think would be cum. No...toothpaste. He left a note. "Be home at four. Don't be here when I get back."
High gym went like this: I went to Dairy Queen instead.
Hooker in the library. I repeat, we have a hooker in the library. This is not a drill.
Life lesson 8263 if drinking a beer in the shower be careful when shampooing... Tresemme flavored rolling rock sucks
well at least you didn't have your nipples chewed last night
I made the last cup in beer pong off the dude's hat. I also faintly remember rapping Forever by Drake during said game.
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
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