im trying to pick out the cookie crumbs from my adderall. it is a lot harder than it seems.
I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
He tipped the stripper with quarters. After that not even the waitress would talk to us. I had to move to another table to get a lapdance
Woke to a half burnt 20 in my pocket, covered in mud, clothes all wet, so im assuming I didn't use that 20 you gave me for a taxi
Good. We don't answer calls at dick thirty.
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
All my interactions with my brother are drug deals at this point
She sent me nudes via email. What the fuck are we still in the 90s? Grow up
Me and Jason had to grab your legs and arms and drag you in the house. You kept screaming "leave me for dead"
I don't think this guy is worth it unless he's a skilled sexual amigo
how do you make "fuck me in the break room" sound casual?
This dude is trying to sext and all I can think about is taco bell and their new crunch wrap sliders
Okay I'm officially a Texan now, I banged a dude with cowboy boots
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
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