He better hope I dont die soon. Because I would haunt his bitch ass and cock block 24/7
My vagina is in bus station locker number 1465.You can go talk to it if u like -in the mean time I’m going 2show up drunk and embarrass u at work.
felt a little awkward waiting for my McNuggets after vomiting all over the counter
The KFC double down is way too much for a drunk. He was just staring at it in awe.
There are flashing lights and a man dressed as Santa with a bullhorn in my cul de sac.
I'm not sure if this is awesome or scary.
They seemed upset when they walked out and saw a penis in a mouth
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
I'm concerned that this blind man on the bus has a boner right now
I think he knows I took a picture of him. Why I don't get punched in the face more often is anyone's guess.
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
That shit was hard as fuck. It felt like a mountain entering my vagina.
Come over so I can fuck you louder than her country music
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
She gave me a collar. When I asked what this was for she replied "I'm taming your dick"
you have to get here a cop came into the bar and she looks like Sarah Palin. I think I'm gonna try and bang her
Randomize
