I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
If its called oral, why is it so hard to talk?
New favorite sorority...they made me pancakes in the morning and welcomed back the walk of shame girls with a round of applause
Someone in a vagina costume on campus.
Ultimate Fighter Idea. You and I both have unprotected sex with the same girl in the spam of days. Whoever the child belongs to, wins and that child is the ultimate ultimate fighter.
How high are you?
I honestly think the worst part about the night is they just kicked us out of the park and we didn't even get to go into Disneyland Jail
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
I really just want to eat 20 mcnuggets and slap everyone with the box when I'm done.
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
We started a fund for a baby in a wine glass, I think we're pretty responsible.
Getting robbed by hookers is def a right of passage in a mans life
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
You're lucky I just like fucking you because you would really suck at being a boyfriend.
Randomize
