It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
Just woke up. First thing I see: Little brother eating last night's jello shots thinking they're reg jello.
I'm watching Cheaper By The Dozen. I almost forgot that Hilary Duff was a really shitty actor before she was a really shitty singer.
there are two kinds of girls in this world: my mom, and sluts.
you just knocked on the window of the ambulance and waved at me as we drove away
I dont care if he cant spell. Illiterate people need blowjobs too
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
you were so blacked last night that you jumped in the lake fully clothed, then just went back to the bar and walked around like you weren't soaking wet.
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
I'm a complete klutz, especially when I get excited. I pee a lot too. I'm like a puppy except I don't pee in the floor.
I though he and I knew each other well enough that we could go to my hotel room to do a bunch of cocaine together without their being any homoerotic implications, but NOOOOOOOOO!
the only things my left hand does: catch/hold things and masturbation.
I have no regard for my liver, you should know this.
The reason why I poison my organs is so that you guys can't sell them.
I just didn't expect to have anal in a retail store at 9 AM on a Tuesday.
Randomize
