my penis was classy and tasteful, i don't know what her problem was.
Lets date for the summer
what?
Dont love me in September.
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
That's the last time we joust in Radio Flyer wagons after margarita night.
He said I taste like butterscotch, licked me, then I'm pretty sure he wet his pants. So no, I do not want to invite him over.
He's Hawaiian. Thank god it wasnt a real American
Which is worse rug burn on your nipples or laying there after wondering how long you have to cuddle before you can sneak away?
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
the welcome home hickey he left on my boob is really gunna put a damper on the rest of my thanksgiving hook up plans with the rest of my ex's
Well, I found my bra. It's in my glove compartment with a half-eaten Snickers bar and a Jesus bookmark.
I told my doctor about us having twin chlamydia
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
We were on the ground in Tampa for 55 hours and we drank for 30 of them.
We won Spring Training 2013.
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
SUFFER THE WRATH OF THE PISS BAG
Randomize
