i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
there is way too much butter on my body for this to be okay
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
Yelling drunk tank or bust at a cop, not a good idea
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
I need to shower, but I have no shower curtain... I think I can get by with a whore bath and a hat for one more day.
Just found out i over drew my checking account on a 711 hot dog
Do u remember buying that
I remember eating it on the curb like a drunken hobo
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
When was the last time you wore pants?
Time is relative.
And pants are optional.
I only blacked out one night of three if that isn't fucking personal growth idk what is
I know you saw me get knocked out after I stepped on that rake why did you leave me there
He told me was "pretty like the wife in some movie where the husband is a cheater." I think I'm gonna fuck him.
What's the tour de bar? Is that a thing, or is it just what you call Saturdays?
WHAT THE FUCK DREAM ME
I'M GONNA PUNCH THAT BITCH THE FUCK DID SHE THINK SHE WAS DOIN
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
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