No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
Got one of only two perfect scores in the class on the quiz I took drunk. This is not a good thing for me to have learned about myself.
Fucked her within an inch of her life. Seriously. Don't choke bitches when they ask. Was way too drunk to be pulling that shit.
You were making dinosaur noises while jerking me off..
I'll be honest, not actually surprised to find half a Big Mac box and bits of broken security glass by the sofa.
When you awake you'll realize that your car is missing....just know that I had it and becuz of your car I hooked up with the hot bar tender that looks like that guy from bay-watch however I parked it in a loading zone and it was towed...that sex was TOTALLY worth it love you
Single person behavior: I wanted a cookie but was too lazy to make or go buy any, so I let cookie dough ice cream melt and ate all the chunks. Pantsless.
I'm gonna make a therapist very happy and very wealthy this semester.
I know. I told you I'm a mess. She had weird nipples. I almost lost an eye to one.
I knew no one else would have gone along with it since it's morally wrong and probably illegal. You said, "Yes. And let's add fireworks."
I apparently got up in the middle of the night after fucking him and started looking for you under piles of his clothing
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
Did I tell you he put a lobster carcass on his dick?
Umm I might be late. Also I am may or may not have mayonnaise on my ass
"Offered to eat Froot Loops out of my belly button" drunk. Thats how drunk.
Randomize
