I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
good news. it is gonna rain tomorrow so now I don't have to pay to clean the puke off the side of your car.
I forgot to tell you, the medics put you in a wheel chair. ( I kept telling you to cat daddy) oh you also gave everyone high fives for speaking English.
The van in front of me contains people having SEX. I am in full view of a SEX VAN.
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
So he's compensating for a really small penis. Either that or he's a drug lord.
Me and two guys that I made Eskimo bros all soberly slept together in my bed
He's practically not my boyfriend anymore. So let's go get some glitter, balloons, alcohol and forget this night ever happened.
While we were having sex he asked me if I wanted to get wingstop after. I think I found my future husband.
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
The most awkward thing in the morning is seeing your teacher's dick right before you go to his class.
So I woke up this morning to find my laptop open, with a google search for "where to buy marble", and a hungover naked northern girl in my bed who told me that I claimed to be a sculptor last night and that I promised to sculpt a bust of her hands...
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
just used my $120 dollar stats book for the first time to kill an ant... good thing i stole it
She's the other freshman on this drunken voyage
Randomize
