why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
But I love Penises too much to give up on them. My phone capitalized Penises. It's like it knows I respect them
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
My teacher just let our class out 30 minutes early, its a 50 minute class. He said the only thing we had to do was get fucked up tonight and have stories about it on Monday.
I don't care how hungry or impatient you are. the highest setting on the microwave is 100% and you better not take it appart to add power. This is not the Enterprise.
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
the guy in front of me in walmart is buying a blowtorch, potato chips, and condoms. I'm curious and horrified at the same time.
I fucking hate them. They came over and sat on me and made out. On top of me. Who the fuck does that?
so you can go out and drink with me then fuck me, or you can come over when i get home and fuck me, or you can come over before and fuck me, or you can come over before and after and fuck me... so many fucking options
i'm not too sure if he's up to my expectations looks-wise, but in the penis department he exceeds ALL regulations.
this poor kid thinks hes going to have his first time with both of us
Randomize